Death by Decibels

There's a vintage comedy by Billy Wilder in which Horst Buchholtz is tortured by being forced to listen to "Itsy Bitsy Tiny Weeny Yellow Poke A Dot Bikini" over and over again until he cracks and confesses to whatever he was supposed to confess to. Over time this technique has been perfected until the ugly truth can now be told: one of the most potent weapons of torture at Guantanamo Bay is rock and roll. According to a recent Associated Press article, detainees are routinely subjected to a 24/7 ear-splitting musical diet of "decadent" American artists like Metallica, AC/DC, Eminem, Aerosmith, Drowning Pool and Nine Inch Nails.


This is understandable - after all, I'm pretty sure I'd wither under the constant pressure of "Sandman", "Dream On" or listening to Eminem repeat "Will the REAL Slim Shady please stand up ?" over and over again - but the Defense Department has added a bizarre twist by including the theme song from "Sesame Street" as well as the national anthem of 3 and 4 year olds, "I Love You" , by Barney the Dinosaur. Bob Singleton, the author of the dinosaur ditty, told the AP that he thinks whoever decided to diss Barney must have a few screws loose: " A song that was designed to make little children feel safe and secure was somehow going to threaten the mental states of adults and drive them to the emotional breaking point?" Don't be surprised if Al Queda releases a rash of Barney beheading videos - after all, they're just getting revenge.


If you want to find out what's it's like to be locked up in Cuba, just grab a pair of headphones and put on AC/DC, crank it up until your eardrums ache, and just sit there until your brains turn to jelly. It'll make waterboarding seem like a good idea.