The Jughead Chronicles, Part 1

I've resisted telling the truth about my musical ability - or lack of - for over a year, but I can't hide it any longer - I'm a jug player.


I'm sure many of you are asking yourselves: "What is a jug and how do you play it?" The term "jug" - in fact - refers to an actual jug as in " Hand me that jug of moonshine, Billy Bob". Although it is not advisable to begin jug lessions with a full container of white lightning, the shape remains the same whether made of plastic, ceramics or whatever. Jug players simply blow across the open top of the requisite jug to produce sound and voila! - you have an instrument. However, the list of jug virtuosos who've met sudden death from inhaling a mouthful of bleach is fairly long, so, if you're thinking about pursuing the jug for fun and profit, make sure that your chosen instrument is totally empty and preferably washed before you use it.


Producing sound from the jug is problematic. You generate one type of tone by blowing across, but something entirely different by blowing - or spitting - into the jug itself. I guess you could say that one approach is more melodic while the other is closer to rthymn. It requires quite a bit of air and constant stomach motion to play the jug, which illustrates another occupational hazard associated with the instrument - never eat before a performance. In addition, vigorous playing typically generates spittle, so the conscentious jug player should avoid standing too close to anybody, and remember to empty the instrument regularly.


Embarking on a career as an itinerant jug virtouso has its drawbacks - you will, for example, never be able to pass the hat as you play on a streetcorner as the spray tends to keep people at a distance. Yet, there are some advantages. As long as you don't lose your hearing, you'll never have to tune up before a performance. You won't have to worry about buying any expensive instruments - just visit the local landfill to find a ready supply.


Personally, playing the jug has been rewarding. It has allowed me to pretend to be a musician, and lose weight in the balance from not eating those gluttonous special occaision dinners. I'm not sure if young jug players coming up these days are finding the profession lucrative, but I hope the tradition continues. Meanwhile, I'm hard at work finishing up my masterpiece- Quartet for Jug and Harpsichord Minus Two Instruments. Who says that Mozart or Beethoven wouldn't have turned to the jug if it wasn't so much easier to play a keyboard? One day the lowly plastic empty Clorox bottle will get the respect it deserves.