Replusive Christmas Music

I feel vindicated; yesterday, at a store, I actually heard one woman say to another: "...And they're already playing that (expletive deleted) Christmas music!" For years, I thought I was the only one who couldn't stand the onslaught of Yuletide tunes that spew out of all those speakers in the Mall or pollute the airways from - in some extreme cases - before Thanksgiving until New Year's Day. Actually, in case you haven't noticed, the retail version of Christmas now starts sometime between Labor Day and Halloween. I guess it's good that Johnny Mathis, Perry Como, Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole and all the other holiday music giants get their annual shot in the arm (hopefully, the Crosby estate donates all those excess royalties to domestic violence agencies) but how many times can you hear "White Christmas" or "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" without grinding your teeth and muttering under your breath ?


The low point for yours truly was back in the depths of my sordid radio career when I drew the Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day shifts at a country & western station in Waterbury, Connecticut. The format was nothing but country Christmas tunes, so I had to hear Ernest Tubb singing "Christmas Island" and Johnny Cash doing "Little Drummer Boy" over and over again. Every so often, I had to say stuff like "Johnny's Twin Oaks wishes you and yours a real country Christmas" - which means you best be hitting the barroom right after opening your presents, or "Dave's Auto Parts hopes you have a happy and prosperous New Year" - so you can continue to afford all those expensive truck parts. I ended up so depressed that I got totally wasted for Christmas Day.


In the Fifties, those Yuletide carols had more of a limited shelf life - Christmas Eve and Christmas Day maybe. But now, it's all part of the military/industrial/retail complex. The big scam is that, even if your house is being foreclosed on or the boss cut out the Christmas bonus or your car is making one of those "I'm-about-to-burst-into-flame" noises, you - collectively, WE- are all expected to spend money we don't have to buy things that we think we need, thus driving up holiday sales and giving the economy a boost. Consequently, the Christmas tunes are intended to evoke a Pavlovian response, unlocking a subliminal desire to buy stuff. Years of seemingly innocuous , cheesy melodies have finally been subverted to yet another nefarious purpose.


That's why I like Thanksgiving. All you have to do is drink and eat.